Saturday, March 05, 2005

Sudan: Saying Goodbye Is Never Easy

The other day, my program coordinator, JL and I were invited for dinner at World Relief, after Darren, one of the staff there found out JL was leaving Geneina, Darfur for good. After settling in, we talked about how it felt to go home after being away in remote and conflict areas like Geneina, or in a country that was so different from your own.

I found out we shared one thing in common - it is never easy to go home after being away in such a different environment. It didn't matter that some of us have only been aid workers for couple months or more than 5 years. Life in the field is so remote in more than one way. If you are on a short contract, you have to adjust to your surroundings as quick as you can so you can begin working effectively sooner. If you have a slightly longer contract, you may take a bit more time but you do try to adjust pretty quickly too as there's s much work to do in the field especially if it's in an emergency situation. So in order to adjust to your surroundings, you really have to switch off your "home" mode. This means detaching yourself from your comforts, your home, your need for your family and friends because thinking too much about that will only get in the way of your commitment to your job in the field.

And then it's time to go home. And there you are returning to an environment where everything has pretty much remained the same. You however may have changed a little. Perhaps you appreciate eggs more (like I have because its so expensive here in Geneina compared to home), perhaps you wouldn't complain about rain as much, or perhaps you've learnt to live your life without TV, movies or shopping. Thing is ... everyone around you at home still take things you don't anymore for granted and they still enjoy the things you've learnt to live without. So what next? How do you relate to everyone? And how do they relate to you? The first thing I find when I get home after working in the field is people always ask "so what was it like?"

The first thing I find when I get home after working in the field is people always ask "so what was it like?" These days I make sure I've rehearsed some standard lines. Previously I'd just be stumped for an answer. It was simply to difficult to explain - partly because I've never been a good storyteller - but mostly because it was too painful and in some cases I didn't know how to tell people the real situation while getting the message across how much people REALLY were suffering. I felt I wouldn't know how to do the people I was trying to 'help' justice. And ultimately, would what I tell them make them join me in my personal crusade? Or would it be just another interesting story to tell.

Whatever it is, going home is never easy. You're leaving behind people you know you've not really managed to help enough, you're leaving friends and sometimes lovers you know you'll never meet again and you have to return to a reality that no longer belongs to you. Yet home is home. There's no running away from it no matter what it seems when you finally get there. Because ultimately, that's where your heart belongs.