Hi. Ever Tried Spicy Cigarettes?

Yes, I confess. I smoke. But no, I am not a smoker. I suppose you could call me a social smoker of sorts.

I remember my first cigarette. I was 5 and it was a Dunhill. My Mom was a smoker then and curiousity got the better of me. Tried it, didn't think anything of it until I (Photo by Amr Fekry, Egypt) was in university. I can still remember it clearly. It was 1995 and I was so stressed out because I was about to sit for my final exams. I had a headache having stayed up all night trying to remember all my cases. As I was walking towards the exam hall I saw some friends hanging around. And Oh My God...they looked so calm and cool, like they had no worries in the world - and yes, they each had a cigarette in their hand. I thought, damn...maybe I need to start taking those.

But still I resisted. I snuck a puff or two from my Mom's and some friends. However there was always this fear that I'd get addicted or found out by my Mom (who always forbade us to smoke lest we get hooked like she was at the time).

Finally I gave in. It was 2003 and I was in Jordan feeling highly stressed again. Iraq was about to fall in the hands of the US and I was in charge of identifying projects in Jordan in anticipation of the influx of refugees. I also had to manage a bunch of volunteers and was greatly concerned for the future of Iraqi people. Plus I had to prove myself as a field staff. And there was my local interpreter smoking away at his Marlboro Lights looking jolly well relaxed when I felt like the burden of the world was on my shoulders. So I caved. Can't say I enjoyed it much. Can't say it helped calm my nerves. But I guess it offered some comfort. It was also something I did on my own. I never smoked infront of anyone else because it didn't seem appropriate for a woman in a hijab to do so. Plus I was with a bunch of doctors who I knew would not approve.

I even snuck off to have a cigarette while in Baghdad. My team and I had been caught in a crossfire and we were stuck in the delapitated Sheraton hotel trying to figure out how to leave the country safely. The hotel was crowded; there was little electricity; you could hear bombs going off; you could see aid workers, reporters and American soldiers walking in and out; and the hotel was surrounded by tanks. I just had to find a corner somewhere, take a deep puff of the Malboro Lights I got from my interpreter, calm my nerves and try to comprehend the events around me.

Thankfully I didn't become a regular smoker after that. I would take the occasional one or two when I started feeling burdened with work back home. By this time I had discovered Sampoerna Mild & Menthol - Indonesian cigarettes with a clove flavour and a sweet taste on the bud. I actually started to like its taste and from then on never smoked any other kinds of cigarettes. I could never take more than one as I found it too strong. But the occasional (which I still smoked in private) was comforting.

After some months, I quit my job to study my masters' in England. I started hanging with friends who drank regularly in pubs. As a non-drinker I found that holding on to your glass of juice just didn't hack it. I still didn't feel comfortable smoking in public but decided that hey, maybe this will help me blend in a little. So while people 'chummied' with each other talking about the different types of alcohol they enjoy, I started conversations with "have you ever tried these kind of cigarettes?" And it worked! It suddenly began to be slightly easier to bond with fellow pubbers (who smoked). I didn't get to do it all the time as some of my friends abhor smoking.

Smoking then began to have its advantages. And in the most surprising way. Suddenly I found I could even bond with Arab women! I remember back in January 2004, I was travelling on my own in Lebanon and had decided to go up to Tripoli to have the best sweets in the country. I stumbled across a CD shop where I could buy some music for my sister. There I sat listening to different songs trying to decide which CDs to buy when the owner's mother came in and offered me a cigarette and a Turkish coffee. I was shocked. This was an elderly woman in a Hijab offering me a cigarette (not of the mild kind either!) We couldn't communicate much because I didn't know Arabic at the time but there we were bonding over cigarettes and coffee in the middle of the cold winter.

In 2006, once again I bonded over cigarettes with some Arab ladies. I was on the Syrian side of the Syrian-Lebanese border in the north with my colleagues distributing hygiene kits to returnees. While resting I sat with a bunch of women in Hijab who were waiting for the male members of their family to pick them up and take them back to Lebanon. By this time I could speak a little Arabic. I noticed some of them smoking and offered one of the ladies a cigarette. I asked whether they ever smoked before the war and they said no. I asked why they were smoking now. They said because they were worried about their husbands, brothers and their home and that cigarettes helped to calm their nerves somewhat. After about an hour, two men came to pick them up. I then realised that the male members of their family were fighters with the Hezbollahs. I will never forget the look of complete relief and happiness on their faces when the families reunited.

I know cigarettes are unhealthy. That's why I make sure that I don't become a regular smoker. I smoke maybe once in two or three weeks. The number increases to once a week when I am particularly worried about something. While I recognise its vices, I can't deny it has its advantages. Yes, you don't have to succumb to a bad habit just to bond with people. Sometimes however, it can create a special moment and a special memory. Like moments I shared Sampoernas with my South African angel in Edinburgh and in Cairo because we both love the taste so much. Or when I shared one with an army officer in India after we had experienced a wonderful intimate moment. Or those times with those Arab ladies. I wouldn't trade those memories for anything.