We Are All Under the Same Sky

(Thanks Brother M for giving me the courage to share my inner self)

I haven't really cried for sometime now. Not my atypical crying. I used to cry a lot because it always made me feel better. Some people get mad, hysterical, drunk...I simply cry my eyeballs out. I used to cry just about anywhere - most of the time on my own - as my thoughts drifted to old memories, regrets, loss, heartbreak, anger.

The last few months however have been dry. It's not that I haven't revisited memories nor because nothing bad has happened to me. I guess it was a case of being all cried out. I never quite understood what that meant until recently.

Two nights ago I bawled my heart out while sitting alone under the starry sky on a beach infront of my chalet in Langkawi. I had just had enough of some merciless teasing about my weight from a friend - a teasing I honestly didn't mind but which was simply getting downright rude.

And so...I took a chair out to the beach. I started listening to songs by Nelly Furtado (Why do all good things come to an end), Justin Timberlake (What goes around comes around), Joshua (May God's love be with you), Coldplay and Michael Stipes (cover of May God's love be with you) and Coldplay (Fix you) on my iPod and started smoking a Backwood Berry cigar.

I sat under the stars feeling like I needed a moment to reflect before going home the next day on what has been and what was to be. Before me was the dark sea lit by a row of fishing boats along the coast. Behind me were lights emanating from the chalets along the beach. Lights which unfortunately shielded the sky from showing all its glory. I had no particular thought in my head. I was simply chilling out.

I then realised that what I saw above me was a shadow of what I used to see everyday in Sudan. I suddenly remembered how beautifully the stars shone over Darfur and how I used to gaze at the sparkling diamonds in the sky with wonder and peace.

And suddenly, while I listened to music which I found both a comfort and a reminder of things lost, I cried from beneath my heart.

I cried for the love I had in Sudan - a love I never knew I could find. I cried for the people who I saw but didn't want to know because I couldn't do everything I should have to help them. I cried that I had lost a love I thought was stronger than the green eyed monster. I cried for all the people I left under the glittering stars who can still see the sky through their thatched roof waiting for intruders to steal their peace.

Most of all I cried because I cannot control what is not mine to have or mine to change.