Why I Don't Like Talking About What I Do

Last January I was in Singapore visiting a friend. I stayed with her and her husband in a really nice apartment in Bedok. I was in a relaxed mood most of the time because their place was rather like a resort - palm trees, gentle breeze, swimming pool and an apartment that was spacious and had nice wooden flooring and furnishing.

I hadn't met my friend's husband in a while. As expected he asked me questions about what I do, as most would once they found out I had worked as an aid worker in countries like Sudan, Afghanistan and Iraq. As soon as he asked me the first question - I literally felt my whole body stiffen. I began to feel stiffled and uncomfortable. And the more he asked the more defensive I got. His questions varied from, what's it like working there, did you see any Janjaweeds to do they put spies in each NGO? The conversation ended when I snapped at him saying "you watch way too much TV!"

I know I was being harsh. But really, talking about what I've seen in conflict ridden countries is hard. I guess I find it hard because talking about it only makes me feel that everything I saw was too real and worse, reminds me that I had to leave before I could really do anything to make the situation better. I could do what I could do and that was it. I feel whatever anyone has to ask me is irrelevant. Because what I did there was so small in relative to everything else going on in the country.

I understand people want to know more from someone who has seen things that they can only read about in the papers or watch in the news. I know it makes it feel more real for them. It helps them qualify or disqualify whatever they may have assumed.

But for me, it only reopens that feeling of helplessness that made me become a humanitarian aid worker in the first place. So when I go home, I no longer want to talk or think about the people I saw and left behind. If I did, I wouldn't be able to live normally, being the sensitive soul I can be. Because I've seen too many realities that the world is truly messed up.

So don't ask anymore about what I do, what I saw, what it was like. Let me tell my story when I am ready. If I ever can be.